Mom Burnout
"Self care is not selfish. It's 100% necessary."
What is Mom Burnout?
Mom burnout and mom rage are a function of lack of support! Find your way back from mommy burnout so you're no longer overwhelmed mom!
Mom overwhelm is the beginning stage of mom burnout, and a sign that we need support and to make other changes in our life NOW! Unfortunately we live in a society that idealizes independence, being on 24/7, and is perpetuated by our own, other's, and media's unrealistic expectations. Dad's can experience this too. Our family structures are changing.
Since Covid, 41.5% of adults have been diagnosed with anxiety or depression (2021, CDC)
Prior to Covid, 1 in 11 youth were prescribed anxiety medication (2019, Mental Health Canada)
Up to 70% of moms have feelings associated with postpartum depression (2021, Psychiatry.org)
These stats come as no surprise. In our current society families receive little support, on top of high costs of living, childcare concerns, and mothers often needing to return to work as soon as possible for financial reasons. As a result we are seeing a rise in stressed families, mother's struggling to cope, children lacking deep emotional attachment, and a society experiencing a severe and worsening mental health crisis. Moms are being prescribed antidepressants like candy, and while this can be a bridge and offer relief, it doesn’t get to the root of the problem and can be nearly impossible to come off of. I barely avoided them, and managed to get by through other alternatives and making big shifts.
My Dance with Burnout and Postpartum
I am a lucky mom to two little ladies (currently 1 and almost 4), I have an incredible husband, we have our health, I was able to process any personal and generational trauma in my twenties, and we live in a beautiful, safe city close to nature. I share this because I believe it’s important to set the stage, and let you know that despite these comforts and my knowledge and nearly life-long practice of meditation and breathwork, I still went through Postpartum Anxiety with my eldest and a severe Postpartum Depression with my youngest. With my eldest I was running a community space/ yoga studio and construction blocked my studio for two years, which meant while I continued to work I barely kept it financially afloat and it ‘stole’ me away from precious time with my baby. With our youngest, I didn’t sleep more than an hour at a time for a year from 5 months pregnant… and trust me, I tried almost everything except cry-it-out, which is not for me.
From a nervous system perspective, insufficient sleep puts you in a chronic sympathetic state, and overtime this leads to a Dorsal Vagal State… commonly known as Burnout. I was dissociated most of the time due to lack of sleep, escaping from her colic and my guilt at not being able to help her despite having many tools, plus our then 2 year old trying to top that with screaming because she didn’t feel heard. On top of this, I am a Highly Sensitive Person, which makes me prone to overwhelm and burnout.
My point is our situation was hardly unique. I believe in being real, and if you are struggling, I hope you know that while each of our situations are different, you are NOT alone.
Why Moms Can't Afford to Burnout
We are hardwired to belong, and crave this from 6 weeks in utero when we begin co-regulating with our Mother. Through this experience we feel and absorb what she experiences through hormones and energetic impressions. While all primary caregivers are important, the bonding with the Mother plays a very influential role in the development of the child’s nervous system, and how they will perceive and interact with the world around them. The irony is that these are often the most challenging years as a parent.
If our Mother is at ease, has made peace with any personal or generational trauma, is rested, nourished, and present, the child has the best chance at being resilient.
How many moms do you know in this situation? Honestly, I’m curious.
If the Mother experiences stress while pregnant, Cortisol (stress hormone) is shared with her child and this continues through breastfeeding - lots of important nutrients and antibodies are also shared, so please keep breastfeeding if this is available to you! Some stress is important and normal and in fact, this is how we develop resilience. The concern is when stress or lack of emotional attachment is the primary experience, which results in long-term changes in the nervous system and physiology of the child. The prefrontal cortex doesn’t fully develop, which influences our ability to manage emotions and stress. In our formative years, we largely learn implicitly as we are primarily in a Theta state (highly influential, think mediation) - everything a child learns creates new neural pathway that form their subconscious patterns, playing out day after day for the rest of our lives… until we are able to process what is no longer serving us.
Why Moms Are Burning-Out
For many, even the most loving families, sleep is compromised in the early years and there are often many stresses due to all the changes and lack of support in our current society. This results in parents being chronically stressed (Sympathetic state) which often leaves us reacting from the Limbic brain, which relies on our subconscious patterns and survival mechanisms. These patterns are the same ones we learned implicitly as children - this is how generational patterns continue to be passed along.
Add in the ADD mindset society endorses - flashy objects and instant gratification - which means parents need to be highly conscious of being present to create healthy emotional bonds with our children. And for extra fun, let’s add the challenges over the last few years of losing or restarting jobs and businesses, family losses, children in and out of school, and a complete sense of unpredictability and fear for many… it’s no wonder we are having a severe mental health crisis!
We are seeing a rise in chronically activated nervous systems, anxiety, depression, ADD, ODD, OCD, and trauma being experienced due to lack of capacity to handle the day to day, and compromised emotional processing (or regulation).
Tip for Postpartum Moms: While feeding, try to use this time to rest yourself and just BE with your child. I know it can be hard to resist the scrolling… but is it nourishing you? Pause… and breathe.
Tip for Moms of Young Ones: Play a game that allows you to rest! Here are some of our faves
How Can We Prevent Mom Burnout?
As moms, we absolutely need to prioritize our self-care… but the what we really need is for society to value and support families and maternal health. When I was 18, I recall a powerful moment watching my Mam working on her Masters, while solely raising my siblings and I. I realized then our society was going to need to change drastically, as more women were becoming highly educated and would want to be working moms, or would need to for financial reasons. This insightful moment is what inspired me to start my community space/ yoga studio.
But we also need some practical tools:
Recognize the Signs Leading to Burnout: If you notice you're chronically fatigued, irritable, overwhelmed, neglecting self care, and withdrawing... acknowledge it.
Prioritize Self-Care: Self-care is not a luxury but a necessity, especially for mothers. We are usually ones setting the emotional stage for our family, and our well-being absolutely influences how we show up for those we love. Do what nourishes your soul - art, movement, nature, reading, enjoying music, dance, breathwork, connection, or meditative practices.
Set Boundaries and Keep Them!: Get clear on your priorities and set realistic expectations. We can not do it all, nor should we. We only have so much to go around, and in most cultures around the world, we work as a community to raise the family. Moms also have their moms or other women with them for the fourth trimester or 40 days after birth, so they can rest and heal.
Ask for Help: Asking for help is a sign of strength! Communicate your needs with your family and those who love you. If a friend asked you for help, would you help them? Right... so let other's help you. I know this is hard, and can feel like more work to explain the intricacies of babes schedule etc etc... trust me, they will be ok. If you keep up your current pace, will you be? Forget the guilt.
Connect with Others: Sharing experiences and seeking advice from fellow moms can be immensely comforting, knowing you are not alone. If you feel you need more professional support, reach out to someone who resonates with you. I am also here and happy to be a sounding board.
Empower Yourself!
The Conscious Parenting movement is wonderful... but let's just be clear it's not about being a perfect parent! This puts pressure on ourselves, our children, and leaves no room to learn from mistakes. It's about being present in the moment, to connect with our bodies, process experiences in a healthy way, and lead our children by example. In order to do this, we need to create the space for holistic self-care.
My work is based on nourishing all the layers of ourselves – physical, emotional, social, intellectual, and energetic. When we are able to create the space to do this, we develop greater self-awareness, compassion and empathy for ourselves and others. We are also able to process and release patterns that are no longer serving us. In doing so we can be more present, resilient, experience better health, fulfilling relationships, and most importantly, lead our children by example in how we care for ourselves and handle challenging situations.
While it may take a while to make the strides we need in society, there are some things you can do for yourself… after all, change begins within each of us… and being a mother is perhaps the best lesson in surrendering and the power of transformation!
Putting ourselves first is essential, to be present for ourselves, those we love, and lead our children by example.
Learn More!
Below are more tools you can access for support to empower yourself as a parent and in-turn your children.
- gloWithin app – explore various courses to support you and empower children
Parenting Support – create holistic, sustainable change with support!
Please reach out if you have any questions – I always love to hear from you!
Katie
ps. Please share with anyone you feel would benefit!
