ADHD Mom Burnout: Breaking the Cycle of ADHD Masking, Perfectionism, and People-Pleasing
If you’re a mom with ADHD, you’ll understand this: most of us grew up being told to “be polite,” “calm down,” “stop being so sensitive,” and “just push through.” We learned to smile when we wanted to cry, to keep going when our bodies said stop, and to put everyone else’s needs before our own.
Being considerate and resilient sounds wonderful… but not when it comes at the cost of our health, safety, and self-trust.
What You’ll Learn About ADHD Parenting:
Why perfectionism and people-pleasing are common in ADHD moms
How ADHD and masking increases mom rage, anxiety, and burnout
The link between Autism or ADHD and body dysmorphia
ADHD parenting tools to help you and your children break unhealthy cycles
Scroll down if you prefer to explore this with me on YouTube!
ADHD and People Pleasing
Many of us were socialized to be polite and look after those around us. “Don’t make a fuss.” “Don’t be so sensitive.” “Just do it.”
But here’s the problem: the underlying message is to override our body's wisdom and needs. Instead of our needs and instincts being honoured, we were taught to silence them. So these ways we’ve been socialized end up compromising our wellbeing and safety.
It’s No Surprise We See: ADHD and Masking, Perfectionism & Burnout
When we’re told over and over to ignore our own sensations, we internalize a powerful message: my feelings are wrong, my body is wrong, my needs are not important. This leads to people-pleasing patterns to stay safe or liked, perfectionism as we desperately try to “get it right,” and masking to fit societal expectations. Over time, many also struggle with body image and disordered eating because they have learned to override basic physiological hunger, fullness, and sensory cues.
All of this contributes to chronic anxiety and burnout. Not surprisingly, research shows neurodivergent individuals face higher rates of body dysmorphia and abuse, because we were taught that other’s needs were more important than our own. When we mistrust our body’s signals, we’re less likely to set boundaries and more likely to end up in unsafe situations.
Autism and ADHD Parenting Tools to End Unhealthy Cycles
Think about it: when a plant wilts, do we just make it stand up straight? Of course not. We check the soil, sunlight, and water. Children are no different. If we train them to push through discomfort, it’s like cutting off the roots that nourish them. Over time, they no longer know what they need - and that’s when exhaustion, anxiety, and people-pleasing creep in.
How ADHD Masking and People Pleasing Begins
It often happens in everyday moments. When a child says “The bath is too hot” only to be told “It’s not.” Or they are told to finish their dinner when they say they are full. To hug someone they clearly don’t want to. And to “just finish your homework” when they are tired.
Often we are repeating unconsciously what we were taught in our formative years, because it’s deeply ingrained, until we have the time and capacity to question it. Which brings me to another point, because often Autistic or ADHD moms have limited capacity especially when we are raising neurodiverse little ones with all the other demands on our plate.
But what we’re doing is perpetuating the cycle - the message is clear: your body’s signals are wrong and your needs are not important - ignore them.
When repeated over and over, this erodes trust in our own needs, sensations and body wisdom. We get to teen years and face more peer pressure and media, but don’t have a foundation of trust in honouring our body and needs.
By adulthood, many of us don’t know when to say “no,” or we say “yes” when everything inside screams otherwise. We override tight chests, shallow breaths, and shaky hands to meet other’s needs and societal expectations… and wonder why anxiety and mom burnout follow.
Autistic-ADHD Moms and the Superwoman Mask
Many moms diagnosed with Autism and/ or ADHD later in life (often after their children are assessed) share the same story. We’re sensitive, empathetic, and deeply caring. We put others first to avoid conflict or rejection. We push through exhaustion to meet impossible standards.
Society praises us for being “supermoms,” but behind the mask is overwhelm, and resentment. Gallbladder disease is called the 50 year old women’s disease. And guess what the gallbladder is connected to in Traditional Chinese Medicine? Repressed emotions. Girls are taught that anger is “unladylike,” while boys are told sadness is “weak.” Both totally normal and healthy emotions get stuffed down, only to resurface as physical symptoms or as unhealthy cycles.
The Role of Masking in ADHD Moms
Masking Autistic or ADHD traits - forcing ourselves to be social when we’re flat out exhausting, hiding fidgetyness, actively avoiding interrupting others, and trying to appear calm when we’re a ball of sensory overwhelm to hold space for our child - it’s exhausting. Add all the demands of motherhood to the mix, and it not surprisingly leads to burnout. When you spend decades being who you think others want you to be, you forget who you truly are. All because we were taught to disregard our body sensations and needs in our formative years.
ADHD and Body Dysmorphia
When we grow up disconnected from our body’s cues, it’s easy to develop body image and disordered eating concerns. We are taught, even rewarded, to override hunger, fullness, comfort and safety cues — which makes it hard to trust our own bodies. Add societal pressures to be the perfect girl, woman, mom etc and the constant comparison on social media, and it’s no surprise we see this.
Autism & ADHD Parenting: Alternatives to break the cycles
It begins with self-acceptance. Autism and ADHD are not flaws - they are a different way of being and experiencing the world. Every single person faces their own challenges and has gifts to share. We are no different. Our children are no different!. When we embrace our unique natures, we can stop forcing ourselves into boxes that were never built for us. Instead of pushing through, we pause and ask: What is my body saying right now? And teaching our children to also tune in by asking our children, “what is your body saying?”
This begins with recognizing our physiological needs, such as hunger, fatigue, and more subtle sensations - does this feel safe, does this feel nourishing? What else are we noticing in our bodies - butterflies in the stomach, tight jaw, or soft shoulders, connected to the earth?
How can we move through these experiences - breath, movement, to be in nature, a hug or to talk with someone safe? What does our body need?
Connection with ourselves and Somatic awareness come first. It’s only from this space that we can then tap into the logic side of our brain to find the language to name the emotion, and this isn’t necessarily accessible for non-speaking children and individuals.
When we model this for our children, we teach them that their needs matter. That lesson alone can change the trajectory of their lives.
A Simple Daily Practice to Nurture Somatic Awareness
We can keep passing down the old norms - ignoring our bodies, silencing emotions, hoping kids will “outgrow” anxiety. Or we can choose a new path.
For over 15 years, I’ve shared this with clients: check in with your body at least three times a day. Notice your body sensations. Ask yourself what you’re feeling, where, and what you need to feel safe and whole.
Leading by example helps children build self-awareness, set healthy boundaries, and trust their inner wisdom. It also helps them thrive as confident, resilient humans who know how to care for themselves instead of overriding their bodies and needs to please others.
Real resilience isn’t about pushing through at all costs. It’s about knowing when to pause, honor our needs, and ask for help.
Want to Learn More?
Go here to explore Heart Centred Parenting
Go here to get science, tools & updates in your inbox
If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out!
🌺 Katie
