Managing Anger and Intermittent Explosive Disorder | Healing Parentification & Boundaries
Understanding Anger, Parentification, and Intergenerational Healing
Perhaps as you searched "how to control anger issues"... but both the words 'control' and 'issues' don't really honour the anger. If you landed here, I'm going to guess you're a parent, maybe a parent raising a neurodiverse child, or you are yourself. Even if you're not, this is worth reading to look at anger a little differently.
Anger get's a really bad rep, but when we look deeper it's just a powerful message revealing unmet needs, hidden pain, and long-standing family and societal patterns.
For many neurodivergent (ND) individuals or those who grew up in emotionally unpredictable homes, anger is often tied to parentification — the experience of taking on adult responsibilities far too early - and not being able to honour personal needs. Understanding this link allows us to move from self-blame toward compassion and healing.
Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?” try asking “What happened to me — and how can I begin to feel safe again?”
managing anger/ tips, intermittent explosive disorder/ treatment, healing intergenerational trauma/patterns, how to control anger issues
In this Post You’ll Learn About Managing Anger, Intermittent Explosive Disorder & How it Relates to Neurodiversity
The science behind anger and what intermittent explosive disorder is
How early family roles shape emotional patterns and the ability in 'managing' anger
Understanding how anger shows up for neurodiverse individuals in extreme forms and why
Managing anger tips, so you don't feel reactive or like you're walking on egg shells
How to "control" anger issues from a holistic, trauma-informed lens
Scroll down if you prefer to explore with me on YouTube!
The Science of Anger and How Managing Anger Is Often a Challenge:
Anger shows up when the early signs of overwhelm and frustration have been neglected - as a sign of distress and lack of safety. For children, neurodiverse individuals of all ages, and those who have been parentified, it can be really challenging to tune into the body and sense these early cues. This is because:
Children are learning how to tune into their body and express emotions in healthy ways - primarily learning from what is modelled
Neurodiverse individuals are either hyper or hypo sensitive to external and internal (interocpetive) stimuli - which can quickly lead to overload
Parentified individuals need to be so attuned to their caregivers, like those who've experienced other forms of trauma, that they often disregard their own needs
And all of the above are prone to what we called 'enmeshed boundaries'. These are boundaries that lack structure - they are often quite permeable meaning what the individual feels is often related to the surrounding environment. This is because children, neurodiverse and parentified individuals are typically highly attuned to their environment.
The Craniosacral and reticular activating system (RAS), which allow us to engage with stimuli to discern how to react are on high alert and often don't filter a lot of 'unnecessary' stimuli out. You might begin to imagine how overwhelming this is... in our overstimulating world.
So guess what happens when you find combinations in any of the above, which is pretty common?
Abrupt anger, meltdowns, or burnout that may seem to come out of nowhere - but they have roots.
Managing Anger: The Hidden Roots in Parentification
Anger doesn’t appear overnight. It grows in environments where needs are ignored, emotions are invalidated, or a child is expected to “be the adult” long before they’re ready.
This dynamic, known as parentification, teaches children to suppress their own feelings in order to care for others — often parents or siblings. As adults, that emotional suppression may turn into chronic resentment, burnout, or explosive anger... but of course we need to call it a disorder, so if it shows up frequently enough we call it Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) or Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorderd (DMDD).
If you've been following you, you'll know that I don't buy into this or into Borderline Personality Disorder.
Why? Because at the root is always trauma.
So rather than label and shame, I prefer to explore the root and help people learn a new way to honour the full expression of themselves and the range of emotions, to foster healing and growth.
What responsibilities did you carry as a child that weren’t yours to hold? How might those early patterns still shape how you respond to conflict or stress today?
Let's Add in Neurodiversity for a Fun Twist
When combined with neurodivergence, these outbursts are sometimes misinterpreted as defiance or lack of discipline, when they’re actually a sign of deep emotional distress.
For ND individuals, especially those with ADHD or autism, sensory overload and miscommunication can magnify these reactions. When your nervous system is already taxed, even small frustrations can feel overwhelming but often are disregarded until the frustration phase is well into the past.
This is what the Window of Tolerance is all about. And for those who are sensitive - the distress from 'too much, too fast, too soon, or unwanted' situations can show up very quickly and feel like there is little warning.
Examples of Extreme Distress
If you have ever heard your child (or perhaps you did as a child) say they wish you or they were dead or try to harm themselves or an innate object, you are not alone.
It is imperative to always assess for self-harm and suicidal ideation, by asking when they are in a calm state (please see link in resources for more). Unfortunately this is something we need to get comfortable asking children, particularly if there have been displays of depressive tendencies or other unusual behaviours for the individual - reverting toileting, not sleeping, not engaging socially or in other areas of life, or concern around bullying or abuse.
If you're child has said any of these things and there is no risk of self-harm or suicidal ideation, it is likely their expression deeply rooted overwhelm and requires further support.
I would recommend finding a qualified therapist. Try to talk to them when the moment has passed, to help them (and you) understand what the triggers leading up may have been and how they can be mitigated. Offering them the tools to be able to notice these triggers before they become overwhelmed and how to seek support is also key, and continue to reassess.
7 Practical Managing Anger Tips: Calming the Body Before the Mind
True anger management begins not with control, but with awareness. Control, like 'regulation', imply a suppression... which we know can only be bottled up for so long. So when you hear the term 'mom rage'... what else has she been holding in? And for how long?
The point is, we can't think our way out of it, which is why 'Name it to Tame it' is the last step. We need to honour our body. This is exactly why I work with the body and nervous system, and help others of all ages to learn the language of their bodies.
Here are some practical steps:
Know your triggers. What leads to overwhelm? How can it be mitigated?
Anger scaling. Anger is the last stage. What are the signs when irritability, frustration, mild discomfort or distress show up? How can these situations be mitigated?
Ground through your senses. Try cold water on your hands, deep breaths, or tactile grounding (like pressing your feet firmly into the floor).
Move your body. Walk, stretch, dance, or shake out tension. Physical release helps reset your nervous system.
Pause, notice, then maybe name it. Simply labeling what you feel (“I’m angry,” “My chest feels tight”) activates awareness instead of reaction.
Revisit your boundaries. Anger often points to where your “yes” or “no” has been ignored — by others or by yourself. Maybe it looks like not going out to that park or event, or someone else needs to manage the meals.
Prioritize Your Wellbeing. This is particularly important if you are sensitive or neurodiverse, especially in the overwhelming world in which we live.
You’re not trying to eliminate anger — you’re learning to listen to its message before it becomes too much.
Breaking Intergenerational Patterns of Anger
Every family carries emotional legacies — some teach silence, others teach explosiveness. Healing happens when we begin to see the pattern and choose differently.
If you grew up parentified or emotionally unsupported, breaking that cycle means giving yourself what you never received: rest, gentleness, and self-advocacy.
And if you’re parenting a neurodivergent child, every calm pause, apology, or boundary you model becomes an invitation for them to grow up feeling safe with emotions — not afraid of them.
Anger is not who you are — it’s how your nervous system learned to protect you.
And when you understand and honour what leads up to your anger, it becomes a bridge reconnecting you to unmet needs, your worth, and the generations that come after you.
Want to Learn More?
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If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out!
🌺 Katie
Please note that this information is intended for educational purposes only and should not be considered medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional for personalised guidance.
Resources:
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