How to Get Children to Listen? The secret is in strengths-based parenting
How to Get Children to Listen? The secret is in strengths-based parenting
We don’t get them to listen, we nurture a relationship of mutual respect.
As parents, we often expect our children to behave in certain ways and treat us with respect. But here’s a question worth asking: Are we treating them as equals?
This doesn’t mean handing them adult responsibilities or burdening them with grown-up concerns—that would cross into parentification. Instead, it’s about how we interact daily, in the little moments: the tone we use, the patience we show, and how we face challenges.
Most of us want our children to show respect and empathy toward others, but the reality is children learn more from what we do than what we say. The way we view our children—and the language and parenting style we choose—sets the stage for how they develop self-respect, resilience, and intrinsic motivation.
What You'll Learn About Strengths Based Parenting:
How extrinsic and intrinsic motivation are affected by how we parent & impact critical thinking
5 Strength-based parenting steps you can begin today to empower intrinsic motivation
6 Strength-based parenting communication tools to reduce resistance & improve listening
Explore commonly overlooked nuances of strength based parenting
Scroll down if you prefer to explore with me on YouTube!
Why Old Patterns Run Deep
Most of us were raised in homes where respect was demanded rather than demonstrated. We grew up hearing phrases like “Do as I say, not as I do.” So it makes sense that this might be your default parenting style—it’s the subconscious pattern you were shown.
The truth is, every parent has moments they regret: snapping at a child, raising their voice, or saying something harsh in frustration. If you’ve been there, you’re not alone. These behaviors often come from subconscious patterns shaped by our upbringing. And with today’s busy, high-stress parenting realities, it’s easy to fall back into those habits that run deep in our limbic system.
But when we pause to reflect, we realize: children don’t learn respect simply because we correct them when they’re being “disrespectful.” They learn respect by watching how we treat them.
Respect Is Modelled, Not Demanded
Children don’t truly learn respect by being corrected when they’re “disrespectful.” They learn it by watching how we treat them.
Think about it:
If your partner dropped a glass, would you scold them?
If your partner felt upset, would you tell them to “stop being silly”?
If your ADHD partner was distracted, would you command them to “focus right now”?
Probably not, yet often we fall into old patterns of treating children this way.
Authoritarian approaches—“Do it because I said so”—might lead to compliance or conflict. But long term, they don’t build cooperation, resilience, or trust.
Here’s the hard truth: children are mirrors. If they’re constantly criticized, they internalize that voice and it becomes their self-talk. If they’re spoken to with compassion, even during mistakes, compassion becomes their baseline.
The Path Towards Strengths-Based Parenting
This is where strengths-based parenting makes all the difference. Instead of highlighting flaws—the whining, the mess, poor listening or cooperation —we can focus on what children are doing well and acknowledge it.
Think of it this way: just as we value the strengths our partners bring into a relationship, we can view our children through the same lens. An ADHD child may not always sit still and focus, but they might shine in creativity or problem-solving. An autistic child may struggle with self-awareness or regulation, but thrive in structure or deep areas of interest.
Recognizing and building on strengths allows us to foster intrinsic motivation—that natural, inner drive to learn and grow—rather than relying only on extrinsic motivation, like rewards, punishments, or external validation.
This shift isn’t about ignoring challenges. It’s about reframing them and balancing guidance with encouragement. When children feel understood and empowered, they, like any other person, are more willing to cooperate.
Co-regulation to Raise Raising Resilient Children
A cornerstone of strength-based parenting is nurturing what is commonly called emotional regulation. I prefer the term ‘emotional or somatic awareness.' Regulation has a strong connotation, and not a particularly empowering one in my opinion.
Before emotional or somatic awareness is developmentally possible, a child needs to feel safe. Even then full awareness of our emotional patterns and reactions only happens when we are in our late 20’s.
So when your child is overwhelmed, meeting them with calm presence instead of escalating emotion helps them return to balance and learn the skills to self-soothe. We are always co-regulating, even as adults - our Craniosacral system (part of our nervous system) is designed to do this to help keep us safe.
The long-term result when we show up as safe spaces during challenging moments? Children who are resilient, emotionally aware, and capable of handling life’s challenges with confidence.
How to Get Your Child to Listen Without Power Struggles
One of the top parenting frustrations is figuring out how to get children to listen. Too often, parents fall into the trap of demanding compliance. But true listening happens when children feel respected and safe. This is where strengths-based parenting changes everything.
Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, we honor our children’s natural strengths, respect their needs, and adjust our language. Parenting becomes less about commanding and more about collaborating.
A key part of this shift is understanding motivation.
Intrinsic Motivation vs. Extrinsic Motivation: Why It Matters
Understanding the difference between intrinsic motivation and extrinsic motivation is key to raising children who are genuinely engaged in their growth. This is the shift from “I have to” to “I want to”.
What is Extrinsic Motivation?
Extrinsic motivation comes from external validation — rewards (sticker charts, candy, money), or the fear of punishment. While these tools can sometimes work in the short term, they often fail to create long-lasting habits. A child may clean their room for a reward today, but without that external incentive, the behavior doesn’t stick… and it doesn’t foster a sense of trust and self-reliance that we need to grow into healthy adults.
What is Intrinsic Motivation?
Intrinsic motivation, on the other hand, is that natural, inner drive to learn and grow. It comes from curiosity, pride in progress, or the satisfaction of contributing to the family. A child motivated intrinsically might tidy their toys because they enjoy having space to play or because they feel proud of their independence.
5 Practical Shifts to Empower Intrinsic Motivation:
Authoritarian parenting undermines intrinsic motivation and critical thinking skills, because they simply need to follow. Often reward or punishment systems need to follow, which encourage extrinsic motivation.
On the other hand, strength-based parenting inherently involves intrinsic motivation, helping to nurture a child who can think critically, make choices that honour where they are at, and communicate this respectfully. This also fosters autonomy and competence. So if we want to raise thriving little people, who will learn to understand and communicate their needs as adults, this is the approach we want to use!
Here’s 5 practical strength-based parenting tips you can begin applying today:
Understand what shifts you want to see and why? This is your intention. How do you model these behaviours? How could you model them differently to help foster your relationship with your child, and the outcome you want to see?
Identify and build on your child’s strengths. This is what understanding your child’s Sacred Soul type is all about - focusing on their strengths and what intrinsically motivates them. We need to learn to speak in a way that connects with them. For those of us with neurodiverse children, this may look different and that’s ok!
Begin with connection. This shows our children we actually care. For example, if you were in the middle of preparing dinner and a little person started demanding you to get their puzzle out (on repeat of course) - how would you feel? If they came over and asked “What are you doing Mommy? When you’re done can you help me get my puzzle please?” I give this example because this is something that has happened in our house, and then I reflect: Did I interrupt their play and ask them to clean up earlier? Probably! But when I take a moment to connect with where they’re at, and explain that before we go play at the park we need to tidy up so it’s not overwhelming later, it turns out much better and they show me the same courtesy!
Nurture co-regulation to help their nervous system feel safe and ready. Consider the timing and what has preceded. What’s their physiological and emotional barometer reading? Have they eaten, rested, exercised, and connected as needed? How can we nourish them in this moment, so they feel safe and ready to move to the next transition?
Collaboration and how we communicate are key! When we collaborate, what we are saying is, “I respect you and your ideas. Your thoughts are valuable.” Our choice around how we communicate is powerful. Scroll down to learn more!
Putting these changes into place does not mean a switch will change right away, and no this does not mean that they still won’t get lost in thought or their experiences, but it’s the first step to improved communication and cooperation. Strengths-based parenting supports resilience, self-confidence and growth, through encouragement, choice, and trust.
Supporting Neurodivergent Children with Intrinsic Motivation
Due to low dopamine levels often experienced with ADHD and Autistic individuals, these children may need more support to tap into intrinsic motivation. For example, ADHD children often struggle with task initiation because of how dopamine is regulated in the brain. That doesn’t mean they’re lazy—it means they need more collaborative approaches.
ADHDers may need structure and reminders to stay present
Autistic children often need calm presence and clear emotional attunement
PDAers may need reasons for tasks and autonomy in how they complete them
And a combination, requires a combination.
The goal is not perfection, but partnership. When we adopt strengths-based parenting, we raise children who feel safe, heard, and respected—and that’s the foundation of resilient children who can face life’s challenges with confidence.
6 Strength-Based Parenting Communication Tools: Reduce resistance & improve listening
Our language and how we communicate is everything!
Children don’t just hear our words—they absorb our tone, body language, and energy… and they mirror the tone and language we use. So if we want listening and cooperation (now and as they turn into young adults), we must model it first. This means alignment between our energy, body language, tone and words is critical, or we risk creating a space that lacks safety, which immediately leads to overwhelm. Neurodivergent children are especially sensitive to this.
So what energy are you approaching with? This will influence your body language (which they are reading and preparing to respond to before words come from your mouth), your tone, and word choices and how they are phrased.
Choice empowers children within your boundaries or needs. This is important developmentally to only offer two choices under 4 years, and for children who are easily overwhelmed. Just offer options A and B, PDAers will usually come up with C so be prepared to collaborate.
For example: “Would you like to brush your teeth before or after the story?”
Collaborate and ask! Draw upon your little one’s creative nature. This is appropriate for children who already have a sense of mastery of the skill that they need to draw upon to complete the request.
For example: “How would you like to organize your crayons?”
Invitational language helps to give back to locus of control. This is similar to offering choice, but the emphasis here is on the ‘would you’, ‘how about’, ‘if you would like to’, ‘what if we’...
For example: “Would you like to go meet Lucy at the park?”
Neutral language helps to reduce the sense of pressure - they can choose to come along, or not. Just ensure it’s situations where they genuinely have the choice so it doesn’t backfire.
For example: “I’m going to have dinner now to talk about all the fun that happened today!”
Genuine strengths-based connection can increase feel goods and likelihood of collaboration.
For example: “You did such an amazing job putting away your books yesterday! Let me help you get started on putting away your crayons. Should we put them in rainbow order or mixed up rainbow?”
Save the asks. And when we do, they are more likely to listen because they know it’s important. Partners also appreciate this one vs. being nagged! (We use google calendars so I don’t have to nag ;)
These shifts in language and approach move us from shaming to help children feel respected, seen, and motivated from within.
I appreciate there are times where this may not feel easy (when we are overwhelmed, tired, rushed etc), but if this is all the time it might be a call for further support. We grow symbiotically with our children, and so where there is friction, we can either keep bumping up against it and getting frustrated, or we can shine light on it and create a little more ease so we can foster the relationship we want with our children.
So Now You Know the Secret: How to Really Get Your Child to Listen
Instead of relying on correction and criticism, staying locked in daily battles, you can consciously shift toward strengths-based parenting—where your words and actions model what you want to see.
By focusing on keys of strength-based parenting - intrinsic motivation, co-regulation, and empowerment - you’re not only encouraging your child to listen more effectively, you’re also raising a resilient child who is more likely to bring compassion, confidence, and respect into every part of their lives.
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🌺 Katie
