Understanding PDA: Helping Our Children Grow Into Thriving Adults

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is gaining much-needed attention in conversations around neurodivergence, parenting, and education. Once misunderstood as "defiance" or "behavioral issues," more and more are starting to recognize the nervous system roots. As someone who has a soft spot for these children, understanding their need for autonomy, equality, and desire to create their own sense of safety within their system, it actually becomes easier to support children and parents struggling. For this reason and because I am not interested in pathologizing, I align with the reframes "pervasive drive for autonomy" or "protective demand avoidance" or even "strong willed" child, although this can go a little beyond that when not carefully supported.

Understanding PDA goes beyond addressing challenging behaviours in the moment, to laying the foundation for our children's long-term mental health, independence, and to be able to thrive adulthood.

Let’s dive into the science, the challenges, how PDA can show up later in life, and how you can support your child now for a lifetime of empowerment.

What Is PDA? A Look at the Science

PDA is characterized by an extreme anxiety-driven avoidance of everyday demands and expectations — even those a child might normally want to meet or consider 'fun'.

Emerging neuroscience shows that for those with PDA, demands or perceived demands trigger a threat response in the brain. The amygdala (the brain’s fear centre) becomes hyper-activated, perceiving a loss of autonomy as danger. This creates a fight, flight, freeze—or even fawn reaction. How does this show up? Aggression, anger, running away, ignoring, crying, distraction or trying to distract whomever is making the demand, and more.

This is not a willful behaviour - it’s a neurobiological survival strategy. Even minor requests, such as asking your child to put their shoes on, can ignite panic, overwhelm, or shut down.

Research also suggests that PDAers often struggle with emotional regulation, executive function, and sensory integration. The world feels unpredictable — and demands, even loving ones, can feel like a threat to their sense of safety and autonomy.

Common Challenges for Parents and Children

Parenting a child with PDA can be beautiful, bewildering, and exhausting. If you have a PDA child you likely relate to a few of the following:

• Everyday demands feel monumental - Simple tasks like brushing teeth, getting dressed, or coming to the table (for a meal they enjoy), can lead to meltdowns or shutdowns, which over time leads to exhaustion and frustration for everyone.
  

• Highly fluctuating behaviour - A child might be cooperative one moment and highly avoidant the next, leaving you feeling perplexed and struggling to understand this change, often leading to frustration which amplifies their resistance. This can also lead to insecure attachment as we as parents are calm one minute then feel like loosing our s*@! the next.
  

• Social masking - Some PDA children appear compliant or "fine" outside the home but release stress later at home where they feel safe, with intense emotions or 'dysregulated' behaviours, leaving you wondering why??
  

• Demand avoidance of self-initiated tasks - Even when a child wants something, like going to their favourite park or playing with their best friends, the expectation itself can cause paralysis or panic leading to shutdown or meltdowns
  

• Burnout for both child and parent - Constant demand negotiation or needing to find creative, playful solutions can be exhausting for everyone involved! Our self-care is absolutely essential so we can foster a safe, calm, connected space to reduce overwhelm for everyone and respond as consistently as possible.

The emotional toll on parents is real - isolation, self-doubt, and guilt often creep in. Please remember, you are not failing, you are learning a new language of connection and flexibility. This is not an easy challenge, particularly when it goes unrecognized and just feels like a constant uphill battle. But there are some simple things we can do to support our children in laying a healthy foundation to mitigate these challenges.

Myth-Busting PDA: What Parents Need to Know

Pathological demand avoidance is perhaps one of the most commonly misunderstood diagnoses in children, and often goes undiagnosed. This is definitely a situation where a diagnosis can be validating! Let's bust some harmful myths and touch briefly on ways you can support your child.

Myth 1: They’re just being stubborn, strong-willed, or spoiled.
➔ Reality: This is the view of many outsiders and can make it really challenging for parents, particularly within the school systems. PDA behaviors are rooted in anxiety and nervous system overwhelm, not attitude or character flaws.

Myth 2: You just need to be stricter with boundaries and consequences.
➔ Reality: Traditional discipline often escalates your child's anxiety and backfires; a calm, connected and autonomy-first approach offers more support.

Myth 3: If they enjoy something, they'll always do it without resistance.
➔ Reality: Even fun activities can trigger avoidance when framed as a demand; the issue is the pressure they perceive as to how it's framed by us, others, or the expectations, not the activity.

Myth 4: If you give them choices, you’re letting them 'win' or be manipulative.
➔ Reality: Offering a couple of simple choices helps a PDA child feel safe and empowered, which reduces overwhelm and the need for avoidance.

Myth 5: They’ll grow out of it eventually if you just push through.
➔ Reality: Children with PDA need understanding, nervous system support, and collaborative strategies to thrive long-term—not forced compliance.

When we don’t address the root causes and understand our child's unique needs to support them in a meaningful way in their younger years, it becomes more challenging to create a foundation of safety and norms in our relationship as they get older. The playful approaches don't typically work anymore either. It is so important to create this foundation of safety, trust, and empowerment in the relationship and in their nervous system at an early age if possible. Often children who go misunderstood and simply treated for poor behaviour end up feeling that is all they will amount to, and so it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

How PDA Can Show Up in Adulthood

Unrecognized or unsupported PDA doesn’t simply disappear with age. It often evolves. Adults with PDA traits may experience:

• Difficulty sustaining employment or relationships where demands feel constant and overwhelming
  

• Demand avoidance of internal goals, feeling stuck starting projects or following through, even on passions
  

• Extreme burnout, chronic anxiety, depression, or health issues from years of masking or pushing through demands
  

• Low self-esteem, internalizing the message that they're "lazy," "difficult," or "failures" — despite tremendous effort

• Oscillation between independence and deep need for support, fiercely valuing autonomy, but overwhelmed by adult life's constant demands

But there is hope! When children with PDA are understood, honoured, and supported, they often grow into creative, empathetic, highly capable adults — people who think outside the box, lead with authenticity, and thrive when allowed to work with their nervous systems rather than against them. Recognizing our children's needs and PDA tendencies when they are young so we can create a supportive foundation is paramount.

How to Support Children with PDA Now for a Thriving Future

Your relationship with your child today is the soil from which resilience, confidence, and self-trust can grow. Here's how you can nurture it:

• Reframe demands and requests. Reducing the sense of external control lowers anxiety and increases cooperation. You can do this by inviting or speaking in neutral language, focusing on next fun activity, or offering two options so as not to create choice overwhelm. Yes, they may come up with option three or negotiate, so navigate this in a way that feels collaborative for you both - this is part of fostering the relationship and critical thinking.

• Focus on connection before correction. When we're in an activated space we are in our reptilian brain connected to our sympathetic nervous system - we shutdown and there's no getting through. This goes for adults and children alike. Connection, like a hug, supports the parasympathetic - rest, digest, and socialize so we can begin to problem solve together.

• Create space for 'low demand' days. Some afternoons with activities and playdates are great, as are exciting weekends, but remember as much as these are often fun they can still be internalized as demands. These children need more unstructured time than they may even recognize! My eldest wants play-dates every afternoon and has FOMO, but can't handle that much stimulation - it can be a battle but it depends on how we frame it too. we can use this as an opportunity to tune into our bodies - everything in nature needs time to just 'be', rest, and recover.

• Foster interocepetive skills. Interoception is the ability to tune into our inner-signal or body wisdom. When we are overwhelmed or activated, it can be really really hard if not impossible to tune in. Helping our child find ways to calm (hug, playful breath, nature) to tune in to ask "what is my body needing right now?" is a skill for life! Understanding our window of tolerance can be a helpful tool, and using this as a visual.

• Explore playful practices to nourish the nervous system. As a founder of a Registered Children's Yoga School (teaching parents, educators, and therapists) and recipient of the Mom's Choice Gold Award® for my Children's Yoga Cards, I have a few tricks up my sleeve! Some tips - incorporate their special interests (dinosaurs, reading etc), keep it playful and practice yourself without demands on them to join. Not only are we nourishing ourselves through play ...it will be so irresistible they will want to join on their own accord!

This equips them to manage stress later without feeling overwhelmed by it.

Raising Resilient PDAers: Your Child’s Superpowers

PDA children, when nurtured properly, often become:

• Exceptional problem-solvers, who think creatively and outside norms
  

• Empathetic leaders who deeply understand the need for autonomy and respect
  

• Advocates for themselves and others
  

• Innovators in art, science, activism, entrepreneurship

They don't need to be "fixed." They need environments and relationships that adapt to how their brains and bodies work best. When we honour their autonomy, equip them with emotional and nervous system tools, and celebrate their passions, we empower them to build a life that fits them — not one they have to force themselves into.

Honouring the PDA Journey

Parenting a child with PDA isn’t about perfect strategies. It’s about building trust, prioritizing our relationship, and supporting autonomy with compassion. When you walk beside your child — respecting their pace, honouring their voice, and nurturing their resilience — you’re doing the most powerful thing possible:

1. You’re teaching them they are safe to fully be themselves!

2. And from that place, they can accomplish amazing things!

Another very key and often overlooked aspect, is nourishing yourself. The more nourished you are, the more consistently you will be able to respond from a calm, connected space, fostering secure attachment and reducing their overwhelm. I understand this is not always easy to schedule in daily or to get the support, but even a few minutes a few times a day, a walk in nature, time to connect with a friend, can make a world of difference!

Want to Learn More?

• Get our Award Winning Children's Yoga Cards with fun, somatic practices for 2-9 year olds!

• Explore Heart Centred Parenting & your child's Sacred Soul type to empower them!

• Reach out to me for 1:1 Counselling & Somatic Therapy here